Lust for sex, rising cost driving couples to live-in relationship

Kathmandu, July 28: In recent years, some people have appeared to have followed the footsteps of open societies of the West when it comes to pre-marital sex and live-in relationship.  Since many Nepali couples staying in such relationship hesitate to come out in open, the exact number of couples living in such relation is unknown. However, the live-in relationship, a well-accepted norm in the western societies, is increasingly being witnessed in the cities of Nepal.
It is a fact that people opt for this relationship to minimise the living cost and to enjoy sexual freedom, without having to bear legal and financial impediments caused by legal marriages, after which breaking up with partners would have been quite hard. A 50-year old Thakali man of Pepsicola, under the condition of anonymity, shared that he and his partner were in cohabitation for the past 15 years and were in a blissful relationship.  A divorcee and a father of one, he said but they were living in this manner because they didn’t want to be in a legally binding relationship.

Many couples in major cities are living together without getting married. But not all are fortunate enough to give continuity to their relationship and lead a happy life. Couples made arrangements for living together on a mutual consent. But most often than not, the male partners desire to escape from the relation once his sole interest get addressed, or after his partner gives birth.
Recently, the National Women Commission (NWC), a government agency responsible to deal with violence against woman, dealt with a bluest story of a woman, who was unable to cope up with breakup from the live-in relationship.  A teacher of botany from Biratnagar fell in love with one of her colleagues. The love-struck couples decided to live together without getting married, thinking that their love is something to be treasured.  After spending time together for four years, her partner shifted to another city leaving the botany teacher heart-broken following the sudden breakup of their informal relationship.  It was she who bore the brunt of accusation for her condition and was left without any emotional support from here family and friends. This led her to severe depression that drove her towards attempted suicide.  She reached NWC thinking that she could get justice, but in the absence of a law, her complaint ended up in reconciliation.
The growing trend of live-in relationship has continuously been drawing severe criticism, because in Nepal relationship between a man and a woman is considered valid only when both partners start their conjugal life by getting married as per the existing marriage laws and social mores.

In recent times, many incidents of breakups have been reported. A woman living in such relationship or a child born out of such relationship is always vulnerable because the relationship is illegitimate in the country, said Bindu Khadka, case manager at NWC. “There has been gross misuse of such relationship by the male partners because in this relationship they don’t have any legal obligations and responsibilities to serve.” A majority of plaintiffs seek the legalisation or the recognition of such relationship, said Khadka adding that on an average, 25-30 complaints are lodged at the commission annually. During last one year, the women and children cell in Kalimati received 23 complaints related to live-in relationship.  There is no exact number, but many cases are registered at District Court (DC) Kathmandu by women seeking recognition of such the relationship, said nodal officer at DC, Ananda Prasad Shrestha.  But all these complaints reported to the police and the commission end up in reconciliation. In a lack of laws, the cases are dealt under the Domestic Violence Act, said Khadka.  There is no law mentioning the rights and commitments of partners in such relationship and for the status of children born to such couples.

However, Section 74 of the new Civil Code has a provision that if a woman becomes pregnant and gives birth as a result of a physical relationship prior to marriage, then their relation will automatically get legal marital status.  According to Khadka, it is hard to provide justice to the victimised women because they have no evidence that they were living together, such as witnesses and other documents to prove their relationship.  In most cases of the live-in relation, men do not plan to marry their female partners, and in most  cases, they are clever enough to remove all the evidences, she said.  “While providing legal and psycho-social counseling, we have found that many women in live-in relationship complain about sexual exploitation, domestic violence, multiple abortions (5-6 times) and abandonment after childbirth,” said Khadka.

The stigma related to sex would further victimise these women, she said adding that, as a result, they end up with depression very often. Many have claimed that they have suffered repeatedly from suicidal thoughts and some have even attempted to kill themselves.  What is leading people to opt for live-in relationship?  Sociologist Dr. Sobha Dhungana, who has done her PHD on the changing patterns of marriage in Nepal, said the rapid urbanisation has been driving rural youths to the cities.  The high living cost have led many young couples to live together prior to marriage by hiding their relationship with family and society.  “Women are choosing such relationship for financial and social security, while men opting it for sexual gratification and to ease their daily life.” During her research, she found that most of men who enter in such relation have no intention of marrying their partners because many of them were already married.

Dungana said the majority of couples who entered in such relation were from the indigenous communities. Many such couples are staying together calming that they were close family members like brother-sister, cousins and uncle-niece.  She has also found that in some cases both males and females choose such relation because like in marriage they don’t have to go through long legal procedures to end their relationship.

How do culture experts view this relation?

Culture expert Prof. Dr. Beena Poudyal said institution of marriage is socially and ritually accepted union that institutes rights and legal obligations to both men and women.
People choose to be in live-in-relation to exempts themselves from such legal and cultural obligations of marriage. “However, in a conventional society like ours, where the institution of marriage is considered to be sacred, live-in-relationship has been emerging as a challenge,” she said.  The situation in the western society and in ours is completely different. They have broader understanding of the idea and have the rights to follow legal treatment. However, it is not case in in Nepal.  “We shall not promote the practice, but the fact is that the concept is already exists and it cannot be controlled. So it’s a high time to manage the issue legally and changing mindset of the society is equally important.”

By Arpana Adhikari